MORE HOMEGROWN MEANDERINGS
I was feeling fairly negative during my last entry. I feel better today, but I also feel really sort of aimless. This is by far the longest I've spent at my parents' house in several years -- I'm here for a full week, leaving Saturday. Today and tomorrow are technically work days so I've been working from their house on my work laptop, which delayed some of the boredom but not a ton. And I did have a very fun night out last night, unexpectedly seeing several old friends from high school and having a really good time talking to them for hours. It is Christmas after all, there have been some good times since I've been here.
The thing I realized that causes me so much boredom is not so much that there is some drastic amount of more fun things to do in Boston, it's that at least when I'm home in Boston I *feel* like I have things to do. There are dishes to clean, floors to mop or vacuum, laundry to be done, desks to be organized, even shows on TiVo to be watched. And of course I have the ever-present knowledge that I could be working on my music. But, in all honesty, I haven't even had my mic hooked up to my computer since I moved in to this place in August. So... yeah, obviously I'm not doing a ton there.
But at least I feel like I could be when I'm there. Is that why so many people are procrastinators? They fear actually running out of things to do so they never actually start or finish anything? It's somehow more reassuring to know that you COULD be working on all those things, if only you got off your ass? I do confess it's somewhat frightening to look around and think "golly I really have nothing to do."
UPON THE RETURN
The one thing that is really kind of squeeping me out is that I don't really know what to expect my life to be like when I get back. I don't know what to expect from the would-be-boy Michigan. I don't know what to expect from myself. I don't know what to expect from work, even, as January is by all accounts looking like "hell month" for us all.
STRENGTH
One thing my mom said to me the other night, as I was talking with her about some of the stuff going on in my life, was about how people perceive you (or, me, in this case). And she pointed out how valuable it is to just be a strong, healthy person, as often what people are looking for is not so much what you give them, but what you can be for them. And if I am a strong, healthy person, that makes me reliable and dependable and desirable to be with and around. I think I've focused so much on what I wanted or needed or what I could specifically give or provide to others that I overlooked the ephemeral nature of all those things. It's not about an exchange of particulars, it's about a personality that is magnetic and valuable and strong. I'm describing this horribly, but it really made a major impression on me. And it kind of made me get over myself a little. I've got plenty more to go in the "getting over myself" department but this was a good step.
MICHIGAN
You know, I've tried to not think about Michigan a ton while I've been gone, since I know he's gone, and I don't really believe he's thinking about me much. And I just have a hard time seeing us returning to Boston and really heading anywhere. And the thing is, I don't even know what I want with him anyway. I feel like I'd have to muster up some enthusiasm, because I just feel like it's all fizzled. The spark and magic has dissipated. It's frustrating, because it was definitely there in the start.
There is a remote possibility that the spark isn't gone and this is just an opportunity to really practice patience and growing into a relationship. But I really kind of think that's hogwash. I don't want to slowly build into something solid. I want sparks and fireworks and crazy mad passion. WHERE ARE MY FIREWORKS? GIVE ME THE CRAZY MAD PASSION!
I'm clearly crazy mad.
OMG LET IT BE SATURDAY
Then I can at least be home, doing laundry or something.
-Bad Robot (rutted)