BACK/STRANGE
Usually when I have a strong emotional reaction to something, I'm a little clearer on what that emotion is. I don't know what it is right now. And because of that I don't know how to deal with it.
I don't know what normal is. I don't know what my normal is.
I don't know how important some things should be to me. I don't know if someone can say something painful and not "really" mean it. Can you take back words you've already said?
Most of all, I don't know what is important for a relationship to work -- where do those values lay (lie? I could never get that one right).
I really just don't know what I'm doing. And I don't know if I'm potentially heading down a path that would throw something away -- and if that path is based on especially bad reasons.
I started typing in this tonight because I have no idea what else to do. I can't keep having the "conversation" I was having, or whatever it was. It seemed completely unproductive. I can't just force myself to fall asleep. I can't pretend everything is okay. I don't know what to do. And worst of all I don't know how any of this contextual stuff changing would make a difference. What could be said tomorrow, but not tonight, that would change things for the better?
I am feeling sad tonight. I think a part of me started to freeze up in anticipation of something going wrong. And that part of me has allowed me to be emotionally colder than I might have otherwise been. And that emotional coldness serves one well when they are contemplating decisions that have harsh emotional implications.
A big part of me would like to just swallow all pride and say everything is fine, let's move on, let's forget this ever happened, or at most take some sort of "lesson" out of it (that will probably be fast forgotten) and solider onward. But I don't like the idea that the only way to maintain sanity and balance is to ignore those feelings. To self-subjugate.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know how I feel. How do you solve a problem when you can't even figure out what that problem is?